Feeling like crap

And looking it too. Tonight I decided to stop deluding myself and took a good look in the mirror.  Not a pretty sight. I kept telling myself I really wasn't that fat, what did putting on a few pounds more really matter, blah de blah.  Well the view is awful and I've no one to blame but myself and my over eating.
Bifold mirrors that give you a 360 view of pasty naked flesh don't leave much to the imagination, I've just been avoiding that view, only looking front on. Well I see the truth.
I seriously have to do something about this. SERIOUSLY.  My health will suffer otherwise. I need to treat my body with respect, it's the only one I have, it's my own personal vehicle for getting through this life.  I need it!
God I feel stupid and depressed. I feel very weak that I cannot even control something as simple as what I put in my mouth. Yes I know I must exercise too, but for me, the key to weight loss has always been eating less. Well it's time to do something about it.  If I had the guts I'd take pictures of that ugly body and keep them with me so that when I go to grab crisps or chocolate I can show myself the result. I don't have the guts at all. I do not want any form of record of this version of me.
Now, how to get on the wagon again. How do I find that motivation? Where does will power come from? I am at a loss.  I know what I need to do I just can't seem to bring myself to start. I want to be on in progress, a few pounds down, starting to notice a difference.  This "before" me is sabotaging every effort to get the the "after" me. I want to be there, but I set myself up to fail.
I know someone who does hypnosis for weight loss, in fact she does a walking group near here where she does counselling as you walk.  But the group runs while I'm at work which is a real bummer. I was really keen to do it.  But yet again I have an excuse.
OK, so I'm at rock bottom, the only way is up, or lie here on the ground and hate it. I don't want to live like that, I want to be happy, I want to build my self esteem, I want to stop being "invisible" as the fat, almost 40, plain jane.
Tomorrow is another day.................